when the mental is illnessing

sv1s1d3 tw

I’m not gonna put any pretty pics or symbols or write any cutesy symbols or what the fuck ever bc i’m just so tired, i don’t even want to be awake but i have nothing else to do and i can’t sleep.

My gf is really mentally ill and i stick by her through it bc i’m a goated wife like that, but sometimes i gotta have these types of nights.

i already had to make sure my little brother didn’t kill himself earlier this evening which was a heart attack and a half, but now i think my gf’s conspiring or something but idk bc she’s not talking to me rn.

let’s call her Amethyst rn bc i dont wanna keep referring to her as my gf or my wife, it’s repetitive.

Amethyst put her spotify account onto my phone bc we use each other’s phones all the time, and she seemed really upset. i told her not to khs, and as a joke i said “i’ve already had a suicide scare today, another would give me a heart attack” and she said “ok, i’m gonna go talk to someone else then, i love you” girl what the fuck??

so i log onto her spotify onto my phone and see she’s playing really sad, depressing music, so i keep pausing it and changing it to her favorite musicals or happy music or something. i thought it would get her attention, and usually she finds it funny when i do bullshit like this. but this time, it only pissed her off, the last thing she said to me was “can you please stop” (and obv i stopped right away an apologized/srs/gen) and that was about an hour ago

she hasn’t talked to me since then and idk what to do, i wanted to go to bed about 2 hours ago, but last time i fell asleep during something like this (which was an accident, i have PMOS which makes me incredibly sleepy all day, and when i’m already sleepy it makes me nod off no matter what i do) she texted me a suicide note, tried to overdose, then apologized after it didn’t work.

i couldve slept through her killing herself, and woke up to her being gone. i can’t even think about it, i’ll throw up.

ive got about 3 different pieces of tech blasting blue light in my eyes to keep me awake, between the blog, the sims on my laptop and tomodachi life on my switch. 

she just disappeared on me, i kind of feel guilty, but i’m so upset. 99% of it is “oh my baby, i hope you’re alright, i’ll die if anything happened to you” and the 1% is “please just fucking tell me if you need a bit to yourself, don’t admit you wanna attempt and then disappear.” idk if i’m valid for it or not, but you’re leaving me to free-think, and rn, to my knowledge, whatever you’re doing, and your fate, is up to interpretation.

I’m so fucked up, i don’t know what to do, i don’t want to do this again, i’m so tired

i’ve lost count of how many times i spent my first few hours awake, or the last few hours before i fell asleep, crying so hard that i gag myself and spit and snot runs down my face and soaks my pillow. i think it’s happened like 5/6 times in the span of our 2 and a half years being tg? i can’t remember.

it’s going to be another one of those mornings/nights again.

i try to convince myself that i’m used to it, but if i was, i wouldn’t be gagging over myself at night.

edit: oh thank god